So I figured I should post a blog cause it’s a chemo week but the problem is on chemo weeks I don’t do anything noteworthy, just sorta sit in a chair all day and do crosswords. So figured it’d be more fun for all of us if I did a day in the life of a chemo patient instead. Let’s begin.
Chemo days start between 8-9 am, however it’s kinda tradition now for me to always be at least a few minutes late. It’s good luck I think. The day begins by sitting in a waiting room that everyday makes me wonder if I’m the only person younger than a thousand who’s ever had cancer. For real, you’d think I was waiting in line to hear about a time share or reverse mortgage or one of those other things I’m pretty sure old people like according to television. No offense against the elderly, it would just be nice to not feel like the odds of me getting cancer are so small that I’m the only 20 year old in all of Boston with it. Anyways, next you get weighed to make sure you’re not retaining the 4-5 liters of fluid you get pumped into you everyday, or else you get those weird pregnant lady hippo feet. Once you get a room, you get you’re first bag of saline, which means two things. One: you now have to pee into a vial without making a fool of yourself and two: nap time. Extremely important that you wake up in time to eat before you get attached to the actual chemo medication, cause once that’s plugged in you won’t eat for awhile, then you’re gonna realize 4 hours later that you’ve never been so hungry in your entire life. Gotta be careful about what you eat though, cause you have a choice of either being horribly nauseous all week or taking anti-nausea pills that cork you up worse than…can’t think of an analogy here, so worse than something that poops very rarely. At this point it’s probably around noon and you’re probably hooked up to your chemo, so now it’s a waiting game. You can do whatever your heart desires, as long as it involves sitting in a chair and allows for pee breaks every 30 minutes. If you like Spanish soap operas, then you’re in luck cause they’re on like all day. It’s madness. If you are like me and speak English, I wouldn’t suggest TV unless you’re a huge fan of the View and listening to women argue for hours. By about 3 you should be finishing up, which means you finally get to go home and eat 4 lbs of food cause you probably slept through your lunchtime again like an idiot and you’re hungry dammit, you’re no rabbit. Can’t be munchin on carrots all day like a damn fool.
Anyways, that’s a typical day in the life of a chemo patient for ya, hope you enjoyed it.