Let’s provide a little back story here for our newcomers/people who don’t personally know me. I’m getting married this Friday to a lovely young dame by the name of Squid. What are my thoughts on it? Well, I’m excited to stop preparing and start enjoying, I’m excited to make a commit I’ve never made before, to take the next step in life with someone with whom I could not be happier to be doing it with, to get drunk with my friends I haven’t seen in awhile, to see the joy light up in my lady’s eye as she experiences everything right along with me, and of course, the post-matrimonial coitus, if you will.
So if I’m so excited about this week, then why am I on my cancer website writing a blog about it? Character development? Perhaps a bit. To brag? Not really but I guess that depends on how single you are. No, rather, I am on here writing about this because it is a big step in my cancer journey and I would be lying if I said that cancer didn’t play a large role in all of this. Now, the first obvious question I would think of is: am I going through with this just to cross it off my bucket list before I kick the can soon? Absolutely not. I think what’s absolutely critically important here is that the cancer is effecting when I do this, not how or with whom. If I didn’t have cancer, there is no doubt in my mind that I would still be marrying Squid, but maybe just a few months later. We already had to move the date up 6 months because of my treatment, but I think I am more willing and ready to take this type of leap-of-faith knowing that if I wait too long I may never get the chance to. Cancer has a way of pushing you in that sense, but also of cheapening things like this. People will wonder what your true motivation is, love or time. Like how in the Bachelor everyone is wondering if you’re there for true love or for instagram followers. I think if you were truly honest with yourself though, you would realize that nothing is worth doing because of time. If you’ve always wanted to go skydiving, then you have to wait until you can jump out of a plane. You can’t jump on a trampoline wearing a parachute and say “oh well, good enough.” There’s no fear there, no adrenaline, no feeling alive. Same with marriages. Don’t marry some girl you kinda like just to get to throw a big party and start wearing a ring. The fun of a wedding is in the emotions, the tears in your eyes when you say ‘I do’ and you really mean it. It’s not in the open bar or the food or the after party. It’s in the feeling of knowing that you picked this person and they picked you and that you feel invincible when you are together because that’s the shit that makes relationships last. It’s a feeling in your heart that you can’t manufacture with flowers and food. It’s something innate you feel when you look at your partner and realize that through all the good and the bad, there really, truly, is no one you would rather be going through life with by your side.
Now, while I think I’ve made it quite obvious that I’m looking forward to Friday, there is something sneaky about cancer that worries me. The feeling that things are going well, too well. The idea that there would be no more tragic and devastating time for cancer to strike and send me to the hospital than right now. And I find it to be no coincidence that I woke up this morning and the pain in my side was back. Did I sleep on it funny all night and now it’s sore? Likely. But what if this is my tumor growing, just waiting to fuck something up and ruin this week for us? Cancer is a real bitch, and I wouldn’t put it past her to have been waiting for my big day to make some sort of move. So now I have the fear of the unknown lurking in the back of my mind like storm clouds on the horizon as I prepare for this event. I know it’s only in my head, so I’ll be taking plenty of ativan this week.
Either way, this week should be a great time and I can’t wait for all the preparations and planning to finally come together in the culmination of our long awaited nuptial vows. I can’t wait to start living the rest of my life with my beautiful Squid and I can’t wait to move on with the next chapter of our lives together.