Ok, so this isn’t some deep, philosophical question, it’s a question I have to ask myself pretty much everyday when I plan out my day. What am I capable of? Can I walk to dunks for breakfast? Can I even stomach food right now? What if I can’t walk to dunks, can I cook something for myself? Shit like that that I never used to ask. I used to eat a 3 egg omelette everyday before the gym, now I can do neither of those things. Well I can cook an omelette, but the point remains.
It’s a tough question cause here’s the rub, I’m pretty much capable of anything. I’ve never been outside so long I got heat stroke or walked so far I fainted or anything disastrous like that, so theoretically I CAN do almost anything. Question is, how far am I willing to push myself based on how I’m feeling? I’ve always said anyone can run a marathon, it just might take awhile. Same concept here, I can do anything, but it may take a shitload more effort and exhaustion than I’m willing to go through. I’ve always heard you want to quit at only 40% of what you’re capable of, but that doesn’t mean I want to explore that other 60%.
See, the shitty part is that there’s no way to know until you’re doing it, but if you wanna go swimming cause it’s hot, 3 feet underwater is a bad time to find out swimming is too much effort. That’s an extreme example but say I wanna go to the red sox, but I find out once I’m there that there’s too many steps and the chairs are too uncomfy? That’s a lot of money and effort wasted to find out something is too hard to pull off. So it’s a balancing act, planning for the best time while also planning for the most achievable time.
To be honest, this isn’t even my doing either. I’m perfectly content spending a sunny day inside watching tv. It’s all about who you surround yourself with. I’m sure I’m not the only cancer-haver who finds themselves locked in the house at times out of fear of what might happen if I go out there and live. Sometimes it takes another person (for me usually the mrs.) to give you that push and reassurement that if things are too much, they’ll help and make sure things dont become too much to handle. Having that safety net allows the fear to subside so you can know you’ll never be stuck in the sun without someone to provide shade.
And I get it, it sucks feeling like a burden anytime I go somewhere and need special treatment or have to leave early or something. It’s a shitty feeling but it beats being home and getting bedsores. And it’s important to remember that those are your feelings, not other people’s. I know I always feel like a burden, but no one around me thinks of me that way. And if they do then fuck em, you have a disease, they can grow up and deal with it cause you cant let what others think rule your life. I dunno, I still struggle with it but that’s the mentality I’d like to have.
It turns out cancer is kind of a drag and forces you through some uncomfortable situations. Who knew? All I know is uncomfortable is better than dead or idle so gotta keep on exploring and testing the limits. But if bars could replace stools with recliners in the meantime, that would be swell. Feeling like shit but not gonna quit! Should put that on a tshirt. Maybe I will.
Editor’s Note: Mitch authored this post in the spring of 2019, but never published it. The family has decided to add it to his blog on the first anniversary of his passing on August 10, 2019.